I am a mother, a wife and insanely passionate human being. I almost never sit still and I don't do anything half way or that I don't believe in. It is truly all in or all out for me. I grew up in a loving family in a small Wisconsin town. My mom never believed I would be the child that would go further than 45 minutes away from her.  Somewhere in my 20's I got a dose of bravery and moved out East. Eventually I landed in Florida, reconnected with my now husband and learned some tough life lessons along the way. I am blessed to say I am now the mother of a vibrant, head strong little girl who keeps me on my toes everyday and I am certain this is karma paying me back for every poor decision I ever made. Regardless, through all my life lessons I wouldn't change a thing and am very grateful for where life has landed me. I believe we all have a choice every morning; you can use life's obstacles to slow you down and hold you back or use them as momentum to push forward.

My life forever changed specifically on October 15th, 2007. I was 25 weeks pregnant with twin boys, Cameron and William. I went in for my 25th week scan of the boys and I knew within the first 10 seconds of the ultrasound something was wrong. The tech scanned the first baby. I could see there was no heartbeat and I will never in my life forget the look on the technicians face. He quickly raced to the other side of my stomach, and it was the same. I had lost both of the twins, there were no signs of a heartbeat remaining with either twin. I couldn't even cry at first.  Miscarriages as I knew were common in 25% of all pregnancy in the first 14 weeks. I was 25 weeks pregnant and looked like a full term pregnant woman given that I was carrying twins. I was quickly shuffled into a different room where my doctor came in and explained due to the size and positioning of the twins I would have to deliver by c-section.

There was no shortage of challenging moments after that. 2 days later I was taken into the labor and delivery ward in the hospital to deliver. I remember hearing new born babies cries and realizing that that was not an outcome I would have. I then had to have another ultrasound to pin point the location of the twins. I still to this day cry every time I have an ultrasound and possibly always will. I signed consent forms to be put under to deliver. The pain and anguish I was trying to navigate was almost unbearable and I didn't think I would ever be able to erase overhearing the delivery doctors discuss the delivery of my boys while I lay there helplessly and completely heart broken.

When I finally awoke in the recovery room the sounds of all the newborn babies crying felt like it was killing me and I appreciate the doctor's on staff finally recognized they should move me to a different floor. The physical pain of recovering from a c-section paired with a broken heart proved to be the most difficult and excruciatingly painful experience of my life. In addition, I had lost a lot of blood due to the delivery of twins, my iron levels became so staggeringly low it was well over a week before I could even walk to the bathroom on my own without assistance and risking fainting. I also vividly remember feeling extremely alone and isolated... this type of thing NEVER happens I thought. I had certainly never knew anyone or heard of anything like this happening to anyone. I felt very cheated by life and with no answers or explanations I didn't know what to do or where to go. Making matter worse the doctor's couldn't give me any explanation as to how or why this had happened and I was left to retrace every moment of the last 25 weeks in my mind wondering what I did wrong. I could actually write pages more of details of what happened in that week between the ultrasound and getting home but that isn't the point of my story.

Moving on was beyond difficult. At the time we lost the twins Luke and I were 2 weeks away from moving back home to Wisconsin to be near family--since we were having twins.  Instead 2 weeks later, I boarded a plane by myself. I am pretty sure I sobbed most of the flight. Here I was, 2 weeks post delivery, I had left my life and current position all because I was supposed to be the mother of twins. Moving back to Wisconsin was a tough choice for Luke and I as well, we had never anticipated going back and the circumstances of our arrival made it that much harder. I could have quickly fallen into complete and total isolation. I was resentful of what had happened, and that we were back in our hometown empty handed as parents. I remember one of the things that I hated most was the look on people's faces when they saw me. It was horror. I wasn't mad at them--what do you say in moments like that but the look on their faces killed me. I specifically remember one day shortly after we moved into our new condo, I went to drop off our rent check and the secretary said "Oh Lynnette, so nice to finally meet you. How are the twins?" It was things like that that I couldn't stomach, and it wasn't their fault but I felt like no matter what I did I had to constantly continue to bear the loss.

I remember all my well-wisher's fondly and with a deep and profound love that will never go away. There is one in particular that basically grabbed me by the neck and pulled me back into the world of the living. I remember getting a phone call from Laura, probably 6 weeks after I delivered. Laura was always there to console me, on more occasions than I can count but on this particular day she did the best thing. She didn't give me a choice, she wasn't being insensitive she just knew I needed to be pulled back to the land of the living. After some small talk I remember her saying "well it's time to get back to work". She was right.  I just didn't know who I was anymore or how to start living again. So a week later, I mustered up every ounce of strength I had and headed back out into the world.

There were no shortages of hard days after that. Soon enough a perfect job slot opened up and Luke and I were relocating to Chicago. Lucky for me it happened to be partnered right along side of one of my most influential well-wishers, Laura. It felt like a fresh start and despite being in the early stages of recovery it was just what I needed to refocus. Laura always allowed me moments of sadness through her support, but she always pushed me along. I am forever grateful for her friendship and her always carrying me in my moments of sadness.

Time helped. At some point I stopped focusing on what I did to result in the loss of my twins and started focusing on moving forward. Every time I had a "good" day I got stronger. At some point I made the choice that I didn't want this tragic and tremendous loss to be what I turned into. I think we all hear stories everyday about that person who had a tragedy occur and somehow everything spirals after it--I get it--It would have been easier to stay in that dark sad place than fight to make it out on the other side.

One of my moments of triumph that came after this was we had a company meeting--I was 5 month post delivery. To some of my coworkers they had no idea what I had been through or they chalked it up as that 25% that has a miscarriage and wrote it off. At that meeting, once again with Laura by my side, we had a kick ass presentation. One of the Regional Managers came up to me excited afterwards and Said "Lynnette no one would ever know you had missed a beat". That moment helped me take back my life. My loss, and my tragedy was not who I was. In fact, I remembered finally who I was again. I was still that dedicated, crazy passionate girl and my loss, as heartbreaking as it was, couldn't take that away as long as I chose not to let it. There I was, and I felt like I was finally back. Those moments of what felt like tremendous triumph were everything to me. 

My next hurdle was making the choice to try to get pregnant again. Luke and I knew we wanted to be parents. I remember being in the Bahama's on vacation sobbing on the bed talking to Luke about how terrified I was to try to get pregnant seeing we didn't have any answers from the loss of the twins. What if it happened again? Could I survive that again?  Shortly after I did get pregnant. I had exceptional medical care and they watched me like a hawk. Luke and I decided to not find out the sex this round--part of the loss with the twins that was so hard was they had names, they had clothes hanging in the closet and I had to be mentally prepared for anything. With my pregnancy I found a strange calm. Early on I found solace in this... and I share it with everyone who is trying to get pregnant, or surviving fetal loss... at the point you decide you want to be a parent, you will be parent. Becoming a parent looks different for all of us, we all take different paths to get there, but that decision to want it makes it happen. In that belief I resolved to the fact if this pregnancy didn't work then they would work to find answers, and if my body could not do it then we would adopt. We knew we wanted to be parents, so I knew and believed we would.

On February 17th, 2011 almost 3 years exactly to the date of the twins due date we were shocked to hear "it's a girl".  There had never been girls on my husbands side of the family and after being pregnant with twin boys I just assumed, well, we would have a boy. I remember when they laid her on me after delivery and I was in complete shock and awe of her immediately. Still am to this day.

One evening I was giving Sloane a bath, I had saved some of the gifts the boys had received and decided I would take them out when and if they were appropriate. Sloane loved ducks and my dear friend Jenny had bought the boys each a Donald Duck toy. I took them out that night and gave them to Sloane in the bath. I then had the best moment of clarity about it all. I text Jenny right away to share it. Luke and I always said two kids, and looking at Sloane playing happily in the tub I realized, if it hadn't been for losing them I would have never had her. My life was meant to have her in it. Not a doubt in my mind. The other thing that stopped me was that perhaps had I not experienced such overwhelming loss in my life I possibly wouldn't have these moments of appreciation. For better or worse I know and understand everything you think you know and expect can change in an instant, because of this understanding I believe I appreciate the little things a lot more. That doesn't make me a better or worse mother, just a different one, with a different perspective that I feel blessed to have.

So what's the point of all of this? I think it is so important to help women going through any type of loss, especially fetal loss to not feel alone. I will share my story all day, every day if it helps one person to feel less alone, stronger about forging ahead or inspired to help someone else. I hope someone will read my story and see that there are silver linings even in the worst and most heart wrenching moments of our lives, but we have to choose to see the good that can come from it. I also think about how many people I know, some well, that probably have no idea about what I went through. There are people like that everywhere and you never know what your simple kindness means to someone navigating tough times. Thank you to all my well-wishers, I can't imagine where I would be without you.

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Sending love, luck & calm vibes.