I am a wife, a mother and an optimist and planner by nature. Honestly, up until 2009 I had pretty much planned most of my story.

I am a Midwestern girl, born and raised in Chicago, IL. My parents, now retired, are hard-working and down to earth. They instilled in me a strong work ethic and a passion to have a family of my own. I will admit I had the same dream as almost every little girl... to have the house with a white picket fence, a dog and 2 kids.

In 1994 my family moved to Phoenix, AZ for my mom’s career. This was a difficult move for me as I was leaving behind life-long friends and BGSU for the west coast, a place we had never even visited before. I took some time off of school and started working in retail. I met my husband, Russ, through co-workers a few months after I started working at Eddie Bauer. We married in 2000 and started our journey together. I wanted to start a family almost immediately after getting married. Shortly after our wedding an opportunity presented for us to relocate to Philadelphia, PA for my career so we put our plans to start a family on hold and headed east. After being in Philly less than a year I became pregnant. On November 17, 2003, I gave birth to our son, Koen, via cesarean. He was a vibrant 9 lb. 11 oz. bundle of perfection! Being a mom came easy for me. I loved the infant stage and all of the milestones that came after. It is no wonder I couldn’t wait to do it again; especially if the ones to follow were anything like Koen!

Russ and I both have careers in retail and, at that time, an infant and unpredictable work schedules with no family support became increasingly difficult to manage. In 2005, we were both able to transfer back to AZ with our companies so we could be by family again. We built what I thought would be our forever home and the home where we would welcome another child to our family. We settled in pretty quick and started meeting new people. We started discussions of trying for a second child. Russ wasn’t entirely sold on having another child quite yet; as he often has trouble seeing past the present. Where I, on the flip side, always had our next step road mapped out ahead of us. Plus, only having one child was never what I planned. Who would Koen race against to find the eggs on Easter morning? Who would he have to reminisce stories with about our crazy family when he got older? One child was just something I couldn’t comprehend.

It wasn’t until after our family trip to Hawaii, in May 2008, that Russ agreed we should start trying for another baby. Koen was 4 ½. Being the planner that I am, I scheduled a visit with my OB/Gyn to get a check-up and clean bill of health before starting to try to get pregnant. I went off the pill a couple of months later and like clockwork, 4 months later I was pregnant. We would be welcoming our second child on August 13, 2009! This pregnancy felt different than my pregnancy with Koen. I felt great, no nausea and I started showing quickly, but from what I had heard it was normal for pregnancies to be different from child to child so I didn’t think much of it. I had my first pre-natal visit scheduled for January 2, 2009. I told Russ it wasn’t necessary for him to come with as it was a routine check-up and we had done this once before. Everything was going fine until my doctor did an ultrasound. He told me I was about 9 weeks and the baby had a slow heart rate. He explained that that was a sign that I had a 50% chance of miscarriage. He said he wanted me in his office for a follow up the next week. I left feeling confused but also optimistic that this little guy would be able to figure it out and get that heart beating at a normal rate. Russ and I cleared our schedules to both go in for my follow up appointment 4 days later. The technician first had me on the regular ultrasound machine and then moved me to the high-definition ultrasound machine. We were in there for what felt like an eternity and the more the tech said nothing the more tears started to well up because I knew something was wrong. We kept asking what was going on and finally the tech asked us to wait for Dr. Kells in the exam room. He explained that the baby had expired and there was also a grape-like cluster in my uterus that showed up on the ultrasound. He wanted to get me in immediately to do a D and C and biopsy. We were asked to schedule this on our way out. We stopped at the desk and as the office manager was scanning her calendar and calling out dates to schedule the procedure, I looked out at the multitude of expectant mothers in the waiting room and my emotions took over. I turned my back to her and looked at Russ through a stream of tears and asked him to please get me out of there. He told her to schedule it and call us with the date and he quickly ushered me to the parking lot where I broke down.

I went in for the D and C on January 8, 2009. Later, Russ told me that Dr. Kells came out to give him an update on my condition and stated that he was worried about me because I not only lost a lot of blood but, even though I was put under, he said I cried through the entire procedure. The following week, my biopsy results came back and Russ and I were called in to see the doctor to discuss the findings. We were told that I had a partial molar pregnancy, which is caused by abnormal fertilization of the egg. Prior to having the D and C, I was growing a fetus and an aggressive mass of cells in my uterus. Molar pregnancies happen 1 in every 1,000 pregnancies. I had never heard of it before, nor had anyone in my family. Dr. Kells informed me I had to go for weekly blood draws to make sure that my HCG levels were dropping back down to 0. There was a chance, 1 out of every 5, that I could develop cancer from the molar pregnancy and my levels of the HCG hormone was the indicator. Dr. Kells explained that he had never dealt with this before but that he was gathering all of the research he could to get us through this.

For weeks my HCG levels dropped. If I could get down to 0 then we could start trying for a baby again. That was the goal. In early February, I was on a business trip in San Diego when I received a call from my doctor telling me my HCG levels had shot up into the thousands and this was out of his hands. He told me I needed to see a gynecological oncologist as soon as possible and his office was making arrangements for me at Mayo Clinic.

Our first appointment at Mayo Clinic consisted of about 8 hours of tests and ended with Russ and myself sitting down with two oncologists to discuss my treatment plan. We were told that the pregnancy hormone, HCG, had aided in multiplying the cells remaining from where the placenta was attached and had grown into tumors in my uterus and had penetrated my uterine wall. Since these tumors were extremely vascular surgery of any kind was too risky and chemotherapy was the recommended form of treatment. I remember one of my oncologists, the younger of the two, being very optimistic with everything she said… to the point that I kept thinking she wasn’t telling me everything. I looked at my other oncologist, chosen as a consult on my case since he had encountered a molar pregnancy once or twice in his career, and asked him to give me worst case scenario. He looked at me and explained that I may want to get a wig and that I was going to have to slow down and eventually stop traveling for work. It was at that moment that I knew I needed to compartmentalize. I promptly put away my emotions of grief over the loss of our second baby and started on a whole other set of emotions; anger was at the top of the list.

Although this type of cancer was highly treatable, I needed to start chemo soon because the tumors travel quickly from the uterus to the abdomen, lungs and then the brain, in that order. I had a PIC line placed in my arm and started treatment over President’s Day Weekend, 2009. I began with Methotrexate, injected in the buttock every Friday. I was mostly just tired from this treatment. Probably 50% from the drug and 50% from the anticipation and fear of any other impending side effects. Things were going well and my HCG levels began to drop again. At one point I asked my husband to stop taking Fridays off to come with me to treatment. I asked him to save it for a time that I would really need him. He was hurt and didn’t understand this at first. As I stated earlier in this story, I am a wife and a mother and when he would sit with me and look at me with these sorrowful eyes all I could focus on was him and our son and wondered how they were doing, did they eat, do they have enough clean clothes for the week, etc… I just wanted to be alone to work through my emotions and really just focus on beating this for my family. He reluctantly agreed to stop coming and that is when I began seeing a therapist at Mayo in between my appointments. This was not easy for me as I never believed in therapy but it was probably one of the best things I ever did for myself. It was so nice to go through all of my thoughts and emotions without the person on the other end trying to find a reason for why this is happening to me, or telling me I shouldn’t be angry at God, or telling me I should consider myself lucky because I already have Koen. I just needed someone to listen to my rant without having some kind of connection to me.

In April/May 2009, we received news that I had become resistant to Methotrexate and my HCG levels started to climb again. I began a more invasive, antiquated chemo nicknamed Act-D, and for my first treatment I sent Koen to stay with my grandparents so I could get a handle on the side effects and spare my 5 year old the gory details. I received this chemo five days in a row intravenously and, according to the list of side effects I was provided, this one was going to be rough. For each treatment I received I got all but one of the side effects listed. On day one, I always started optimistic. Day two, I began to become subdued. Day 3-5 I could barely get dressed and couldn’t even hold down water on some days. I took 10 day stretches off from work, 5 days of chemo and 5 days to work through the rest of the side effects like follicular acne, mouth sores and fatigue. Zofran was no different than popping Pez and I was eventually put on Ativan to knock me out through most of my nausea. This is where I began to lose chunks of time. My Dad stayed with us to help with Koen and the day to day, as well as driving me to treatment. And just before I started my second round of Act-D, I started to lose my hair. After going through a few of these treatments, I went into remission in July of 2009 and in 2012 I was fully released from Mayo Clinic. I know I had a ton of family support and well-wishers through this entire experience but it was my little 5 year old ray of light that kept me fighting. He never stopped smiling and never once doubted that I could do this. His strength and optimism through all of it still floors me to this day!

Over the past 6 years, I have been able to digest my loss and pain and I now realize that this experience is a gift. Through my experience I am able help others whether it is in the realm of the loss of a pregnancy or the diagnosis of cancer. To move from the greatest moment of joy in one’s life quickly into grief and then tragedy is not normal. No one should have to experience this but unfortunately it happens all around us, all of the time. The thing is though, we can make sure no one has to do it alone.

I learned 2 things through my journey…..

I think at times we all expect well-wishers to know what to say or how to act in these moments of tragedy. Truth is, they are navigating through it just as much as we are. They are in your life for a reason and they are all different and will serve their purpose in your healing process at their exact moment in time. Whether it is the well-wisher who sits silently next to you while you grieve, or the well-wisher who cracks jokes to shed some light and make you smile, even if just for a moment. Embrace your well-wishers often. I am thankful for mine every single day!

And second, to anyone who chooses to read my story, know that it is ok to edit your story sometimes. Things may not always go how you planned them but they will always end with what is right for you. I spend less time filling holes in a plot that I wrote long before I knew who I was and where life would take me and more time living in the moment, living my story.

We moved a little over 4 years ago and today Russ, Koen and I live in an old house on an old orange grove. We have 2 dogs, a cat and one large tortoise. Living here has gotten me back in touch with my passion for design and gardening, and in some way the constant projects on the house have been therapeutic for me. The bond that the 3 of us share is amazing and something I don’t think we would have had we had more children. I have had the chance to watch Koen grow into one of the most amazing humans I know and I absolutely cherish my only child. Sometimes when he asks us why he doesn’t have a brother or sister we simply tell him, “We used up all the good stuff on making you.”

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Sending love, luck & calm vibes.