I guess my story can begin in many places starting with my fearless mother who was pregnant with me at 17 and decided to leave my father soon after due to him being an alcoholic; it could be about the story of my upbringing and my stepfather who raised me, taught me a lot about being the adult that I am today, it could also be mostly about my trying high school years. It could also include the fact that I am proud to have had a successful career in retail, I have had an unsuccessful marriage and one of my favorite moments is when my husband now fell in love with me and I am blessed to have him in my life today, I definitely note that as the best part of my life and he is the best thing that has ever happened to me; and as all those are chapters in my life, I feel like my true story began when I was 36. Something clicked inside my soul and I knew that it was time. I wanted to be a mother.

Jakob was conceived through IVF. He was the second round of implantation, and he stuck! This pregnancy was not fun; I had horrible night sickness that started around 4 PM most nights until I went to bed. I was still taking shots of hormones to help me stay pregnant. It was not an easy balance much less enjoyable pregnancy. We saw the doctor every week until 12 weeks, because in IVF eyes we are good to go, so we continued seeing our new doctor. It wasn’t until a second retest we would hopefully find out if he was a boy along with the rest of the anatomy scan, that is when we found out there was a problem. I told my Doctor that I was having uncomfortable cramps that would make me have to take a seat. So she sent me back into the ultrasound room. Sure enough my cervix was completely shortened. We later found out that I am part of a small percentage of women that have Cervical Dysplasia. This stemmed from having part of my cervix removed a couple years prior to keep from going into full-blown cancer. Most women who have this, their cervix tissue will grow back. Mine did not and now we are realizing my cervix cannot hold this baby.

The next morning we saw a specialist and after a sleepless night of not understanding what all this meant, they confirmed we were losing this pregnancy unless we tried a procedure that would attempt to close my cervix. I had to have an amniocentesis; worse physical pain ever! No infection. Jakob and I were both very healthy going to the ER that afternoon for the procedure; we were too late. My cervix was completely open. The Doctor was crushed, he sat beside me and said, “You are going to lose you baby we can’t keep him in, I’m so sorry”, touched my arm and everyone in the operating room stood still and silent. I was in disbelief. “What? How did this even? Huh?” The doctor left to tell my husband and then we were reunited.

We just looked at each other and cried silently. I was then taken to the birthing floor and they gave me two options going into labor, have the opportunity to meet Jakob and hold him or have a DNC procedure; we chose to meet our son. 12 hours of labor later, Jakob was born. He was perfect. He looked like his dad in every way! I told my husband that while we had a moment with our son. We wanted to cry, but we had to take advantage of our only opportunity to embrace and enjoy him. I took a mental picture of his perfect little feet; I insisted on remembering him with joy! We touched his 10 toes and held his hands. He was still warm. They came and took him cleaned him up and dressed him beautifully. They brought him back and he was cold. We took pictures, we shared him with a friend and we had to say goodbye because he was starting to lose all being. I wanted to remember him as perfect as he was. We said goodbye. My mom screamed on the phone and we sat there.

A bit after that they moved us into a quiet room so I would not hear the other babies being born; but truly I loved hearing the price I would never wish this loss, this pain on any mother! The next morning it was raining when we left the hospital. We buried Jakob a few days after, and now he rests in heaven. He has a beautiful gravesite where deer visit him often. Truly, the saddest moment of my entire life. I wish I could explain the grieving process I went through but I can’t. The clouds that were in the sky that day never left. They came home with us, they came home with me. We left our son at the hospital that day to never see him again. My mind was so gloomy and my soul was shattered. I don’t remember much. My mom stayed with me for weeks since my husband had to go back to work. I just remembered that I had to make my bed every day.

About four months after a long road of physical recovery and continuing emotional rebound we decided to try again. My thought was just as if you fall off the horse you have to get right back up! Before I was too scared, we implanted our last aid. We planned at 14 weeks of pregnancy to have the same procedure that was supposed to save Jakob called a Cerclage, with bed rest to follow. All went well and we announced pregnancy at Christmas. The procedure was a success. Once I was on bedrest, my mom came and stayed with me for the remainder of the pregnancy. We saw the specialist every week to measure my cervix and all was going well. Then my husband got promoted, we moved to Philadelphia and continued bedrest.

We had a scare with my cervix shortening at 22 weeks of pregnancy and from there it continued. I was in the hospital a few times but at 27 weeks I was going into labor the doctor was able to stop it and I started receiving steroids for the baby. At 29 weeks, labor was irreversible, I had an infection and was at risk of becoming septic this time. Jax was born at 29 weeks, 3 lbs. 8 oz. and breathing healthy.  I remember the exact moment they rolled him by me, they picked him up and I could “see” him and then ran out so they can get him into the NICU. I didn’t see him until four hours later and I didn’t get to hold him for two days, which seemed like an eternity.

And so the road to recovery had begun. Six weeks with my son in the NICU, my body atrophied from two pregnancies and one long bed rest period. Postpartum hormones married to post traumatic stress syndrome, boy was I a mess! But I had a baby and I was supposed to be happy but I was also sad and so scared to feel happy, I would look at my 3 pound baby and fear what could happen. I met three of my greatest truest friends in the NICU, to this day we talk every day they were a support to me I will forever be thankful, because they too shared in many of the feelings and challenges I faced and still try to conquer today!

My son Jax is healthy, active, smart and tough, his personality makes me smile daily! I am a crazy about my kid mom, I challenge myself to be OK with him falling, or going to the park and force myself to allow him to go to school so he can benefit from social interactions.

I know that all of the last 4 years is what put me on this path! What started as an implied punishment on my body for not holding my babies, soon became a ritual, which then became a new found love and frankly, an addiction to working out and feeling healthy. I lost 30 pounds postpartum and have focused on strengthening every muscle I can see. This passion has led me to a new career change, I recently became a nationally certified personal trainer and I am furthering my education with classes to help me perfect understanding of how the body mechanics work. My next goal will be a special certification and prenatal and postnatal fitness. I want to be there for those who need the support in starting to feel normal after the loss of a  baby or after a baby coming home. My ultimate goal is to own a small studio to help change lives through fitness and an environment of support.

The most inspiring project I have ever been a part of is being a part of the founding team of "her well-wisher". Sharing some of my most difficult moments with you that allows me to share what is also happening next. I am moving in an exciting direction with life, although the cloud of sadness tends to not lift every day. Having new focus has helped me heal. Getting my mind and body ready for life has also helped. I recommend, find a positive focus, something that you used to love or something that is new! Repair all that is broken. You are a woman! You are strong! Put all the negative towards something that makes you smile, soon you will believe in yourself. 

I hope that my words will help others know that they are not alone in loss or pregnancy. As well as to encourage those who have a friend or family member who has a had the loss or premature baby. Please just be there for them. Many times no words are needed, especially not the ones that you think will make them feel better, because trust me nothing will ever make them feel better! But a hug, comfort and friendship will help guide and hopefully bring a smile to your loved ones face. If you have gone through loss or pre-term baby, or are going through it now, ask for help, receive the love and find someway to allow others help in making you smile. Its ok to feel sad and scared for as long as you like, AND its also OK to feel love, happiness and guilt-free. This is what I tell myself everyday! Somedays it works!

Everyone has a story, this is some of mine. Be Kind to those who you don't know, you never know if they have a cloud over their head or if they're just trying to find their way! As women it is our job to look at women and smile. We all cross the same path at some point in life, it's just how we deal with it. Be that one smile that turns a women's day around. Let's change the world in a way that truly well-wishes other woman the best. 

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Sending love, luck & calm vibes.